20th January 2008 - Ellie's 4th birthday

Went to see Dad in the morning. It was Ellie's birthday and a few rellies were coming to the house to see her, eat party food and drop off pressies. She'd opened all her presents from us in the morning and was duly unimpressed with each and every one of them, in the way that only young children can be - hugely enthused with "the best thing ever" one second, then the next completely oblivious to it.

When I went it I noticed that it was quiet, and had that feeling you get when there's something missing, something you can't quite put your finger on. Dad was ok, he seemed in reasonable spirits and not in any discomfort. I sat beside him but we weren't really conversing, he couldn't communicate, couldn't find the right words and knew he wasn't making sense, so he stopped. I couldn't shake the feeling that something was amiss. Looking round I noticed Annie's chair was empty. One of the housekeepers came hoovering past me and stopped to chat. Annie was dead. She'd gone the night before. But she told me Donald had died too - and then I noticed his chair wasn't empty but it was being sat in by someone else - it was that that had been niggling at me, that had been the itch I couldn't scratch. Donald wasn't there, his chair was being sat in by Tam. Donald was dead. My thoughts raced to Susie. Busy, bustling Susie. Friendly, cheery, devoted Susie. I remember when he first started living in the home. He was mobile then and could talk. He fell on the floor beside me once and I tried to help him into his chair. I struggled and struggled but couldn't lift him. He got so upset when Susie left - he thought she'd left him and wouldn't be coming back. Every day, every time she left, he'd weep like his heart was breaking, wailing for her. And she clearly adored him. Even once he couldn't walk, and couldn't talk, she'd be there every day - fedding him, chatting to him, massaging his hands and bustling.

Gwyneth will be next I thought - and caught myself doing it - why did I think that, what a thing to think! I looked over and she's still there, still twisted in her chair.

Amy toddled past, in a foul mood, cup of tea drooping in one hand. "I dinnae ken wit yer buckin' staring at, ye glakiit big lump" she said to me "Can you no away and dae sumthin useful like make me a cup of tea or fuck off" and she shook the tea cup at me. "Sure Amy, no problem" I said as I, rising, kissed my sleeping Dad. I took the cup and made her a tea. She was no where to be seen when I came back, so I went looking. She was in the quiet room when I brought her the tea "Oh, thanks luv. That's awfy kind of ye. Yer a good lass, I'll no hear a wurd against ye". As I walked away she shouted after me "Are there no buckin' biscuits in this shitehole now or are you just to buckin' stupit tae find them?". Ho hum.