22nd February 2007 - Tams gone.

One of the staff met me at the door with a hushed "Tam's gone. Last night. Pneumonia. It's a wee shame" And I covered myself in caring humanity again with my response of "Which one is Tam?". Jesus,what a dumbfuck thing to say. So much for wanting the residents to be treated as individuals, with respect - am I just all lip service to those ideas too then? Which one is Tam. But the answer was worse than my question - although to be fair in a place full of old people it might be difficult to differentiate verbally but I think something better than "The bald guy in the corner - nae teeth and very dribbly - I'll no miss that I'll tell yea, I'll no be missing aw that drool".

In the day room people seemed unperturbed and there was - indeed - an empty chair in the corner where Tam used to sit. I remembered him then, of course. He'd always been quite far through his dementia when I knew him, so I'd never talked sensibly with him. He had a really kind face though. A gentle face. Might have been a total cunt I suppose but I'll never know.

After a few minutes the fire doors at either end of the dayroom were closed and all the wanderers were ushered into the room. This was very difficult for the residents who want to wander, they don't like to be confined, Bruce's polar bear back and forth had to stop. Those that were able to keep asking the two staff in the dayroom why they were not allowed out, why they had to stay put. If there was ever a time for doling out tea and cake it must have been then - but it wasn't tea time. I must have been having a slow day because it didn't dawn on me for quite a while that the private ambulance must be there. Private ambulance. Those black vans. Why ambulance? I suppose it's better than Dead Van - the Deadford Bedford. Just after I realised it one of the staff stage whispered to me that the Funeral Directors where in and they didn't want to upset the other residents by letting them see them. Would it upset them? I wonder. If they were aware enough to know what they were doing would they care? Bruce was trying to stir up a rebellion within the tottering ranks of the able and the zimmer enabled - a charge on the doors. He got diverted by a staff member who he quizzed about why he was not allowed out and was told she couldn't tell him he'd have to ask the senior staff member. They must have known though on some level, because despite everyone being in the same room and unable to go out, and despite there being a limited number of 'comfy' chairs, Tam's remains empty.

Lily was sitting at one of the tables, gazing lovingly at a single photo of a baby girl. Or at least a baby dressed consistently in pink. Various passersby are shown the photo of (interchangeably) her son, her granddaughter, her wee nephew and her husband. She's very lucid in her descriptions of each of these babies and shows off the photo proudly. "Look at my wee nephew, isn't he gorgeous - he's got his da's eyes and aw. Gorgeous". "See the pretty wee bairn - there lovely at that age are they no?" When the embargo is lifted on leaving the room she gets up slowly and starts to thump her zimmer out the room. One of the staff members went after her with her photo
"That's no mine doll. It was just lying there. Thank fuck tae - hell of an ugly bairn that is it no?"