30th January 2007 - Did he just ask me to kill him?

I think Dad asked me to kill him today. He spent ages trying to tell me something. The usual background noise crashing through the foreground meant it was really really difficult to understand him. Ellie was singing too, firstly across the table from me, then on my knee when Toiletbrush Cecily approached her, with her hair suspiciously glisteny and her eyes fixed on Ellie's chocolate. By the time she reached our table, Ellie had scampered over to my knee and was asking for endless games of noughts and crosses. So I can't be sure of what Dad said. He definitely said he wanted to write a suicide letter. Firstly he said to his grandfather, but as he talked I got the impression he wanted to write it as a grandfather - to his grandchildren. And then he also definitely said he wanted to write a suicide letter to me and people like me - which I took to mean me and my siblings.

He then started on a fairly bad tempered ramble about being sick and tired. He wants me to know he's giving up. He's fed up with me turning up at the very last minute supposedly to save him and then doing nothing.

And I think he's thinking about slitting his wrists. He talked about a map with thin red roads and thicker blue roads and train tracks crossing over them. The road map he kept calling it but I think he was talking about his veins.

But I don't know, I can't be sure. It's probably all my interpretation of nothing. I'm projecting my interpretation onto things he's half saying or implying. It might mean nothing. Should I say something though? Or if he can do it and wants to should I do nothing and let him?

Fuck.