22nd January 2007 - Birthday cake

Ellie and I went in Monday morning, the day after her shared 3rd birthday party, with a big chunk of her cake. My friend Janey had had a cake made with an image of the 4 children inkjeted onto the icing. At the party we'd divided the cake four ways to allow each of the Mum's to take home the bit with their child's face on it, so I had a fairly sizable wedge of cake with Ellie's face on for us to share over the obligatory tea.

Dad seemed pleased to see us but completely bemused by the cake. He couldn't work out what it was or what to do with it. He didn't even seem able to focus on it. Maybe Ellie's fondant smile threw him, maybe he didn't expect a photo to be edible. When I took out three little candles, wedged them through her torso and lit them his aghast face looked at me as if I'd just performed some bizarre wicken ritual. So expecting him to eat it afterwards was perhaps ambitious.

The staff in the day room were all new to me but seemed to know some of the residents as they were discussing their favourites. I can't imagine why anyone would favour Bertha with her constant shouting, nor ToiletBrush Cecily and her glisteny hair, but two of the staff claim them as favourite. I felt a little disappointed none of them mention Dad, and then realised how ridiculous that is. Even I didn't favour him and he brought me up. It's only human nature - I told myself - to have favourites so I don't know why I find it so unpleasant that they were talking that way. Is it the dehumanisation of their subjects that bothered me? Is it the fact that they can find something likeable in people that I can only just manage to not be disgusted by? Is it that they obviously don't have the same fear of madness that I do? Whatever it is I did't like it and something registered in my face because one piped up "Course everyone loves Alan, don't they, eh Alan, we all love you" and they ruffle Dad's hair. He smoothed it down awkwardly - sometimes when he uses his hands it looks as if they've been detached and then reattached at a slight offset - and says "Glad to hear it". I did't know if I should have told him or them he's not Alan.