15th November 2006 - Fuck off Jiminy

I'm trying not to go today. I've got a busy day today and if I were to go to visit him I'd not get some of the other things done that I really need to get done. I'm going out with friends tonight and need to shower, wash my hair and do that kind of stuff. It's not as if I go out often. Last time was a few months ago. My son has no clean school uniform clothes left and his judo class this evening, my potty-training daughter is down to her last pair of dry knickers and her gym class this afternoon and my poor husband went off to work in mismatched socks and novelty underwear bought as a joke. I hope the poor man doesn't have an accident - for all sorts of reasons - but not today, not in a tiger print thong.

I keep getting a picture from yesterday's visit floating through my mind when I'm telling my conscience I'm not going today. When me and Ellie first arrived yesterday Dad wasn't in the day room, or the smoking room so we went wandering to find him. He was in one of the corridors just standing rubbing his hands over his face, as if in exasperation, sadness and despair. When he heard Ellie's scampering little footsteps, he turned to see us coming and he lit up like a lightbulb - brightened and pleased to see someone he knew. He won't get that feeling today.

It's not just me that isn't going to see him today. No-one is. Are they all sitting feeling tortured?
But they can't go. I could if I juggled a bit, missed out on the shower maybe.

No, I'll go tomorrow. I'll have more time. I'll take the 'wipers' he wanted. I think that means tissues. I'll go tomorrow. Promise Jiminy. Promise Jimmy. But I still feel crap.