10th August 2006 - If a tree falls

Bertha was screaming today - nothing new there then - but it wasn't her normal "Mammy, daddy, help me". Not even the very alarming "Daddy, the man's hurting me, make the man stop hurting me, Daddy make then man stop" - one that I find particularly distressing as my own father so completely failed in stopping the man hurting me.

But today it's "Hold my hand" over and over again. So loudly. Even generally good natured staff are giving her a wide berth ( no pun intended ).

I've never heard Nan say anything intelligible. Not one word, ever. Her brother who visits quite often hasn't heard her say anything that made sense in years he reckons. She's sitting beside Bertha, and I hear her say very clearly "I'll hold your hand, give me your hand love, I'll hold your hand". Bertha doesn't vary her shouting, nor offer her hand to Nan, and Nan slumps back in her chair. I look round to see if anyone else has heard, but no-one has. If a tree falls in a forest, and no-one's there to hear it, does it make a noise? I've always thought that was a bloody silly question - of course it does. But now, I'm not so sure. Did she really speak? I go over and hold her hand for a minute. Dad's not pleased. "Who's that? We don't know her do we?". That was our upbringing all over - keep it in the family, don't talk to outsiders. In all the time we lived together I don't remember anyone ever visiting that wasn't related. No-one ever had friends over, not Mum, not Dad, not my Mum's Dad or my Dad's Mum. Once every couple of years my Mum's brother would visit with his family. My father's siblings never crossed the doorstep. And we never visited anyone. Ever. "Keep it in the family". And we did, or at least I did. Moira and Colin seem to have a good circle of friends now, but I still struggle to be open enough to let people in.

"No Dad we don't know her, but maybe we could". He doesn't understand what I mean and stares blankly at me as if I haven't spoken.