10th October – Kissed by a female impersonator.

Today was a first for me. The first time I’ve been snogged by a old woman. Margaret – who for a long time my Dad was convinced was a female impersonator – snogged me. Margaret is a very tall old lady, in fact she’d be a tall young lady and taking into consideration the stooping, she’s an exceptionally tall old lady. She talks garbage, constantly. In broken half sentences and made up words – a Stanley Unwin style of diction that I’ve long since given up trying to make sense of. But she’s generally happy and if you smile at her she’ll tell you she loves you. Occasionally she’s over friendly and plants you a kiss on the cheek. Today, she went a step further. As we were leaving, she appeared behind me and when I turned she loomed above me, took my face in her two gnarly hands and gave me a full on snog – and I mean full on. There were tongues – or rather there was tongue – clearly mine stayed firmly in my mouth, but she tried to slip hers in there too. And all the time holding onto my head with a relentless grip. When she let go and I could see and breath again, I saw her top set of dentures hanging down in her mouth, smeared with scone and jam.