1st February 2007 - Heading for the loo

The phone rang at about quarter to midnight. I knew it was the home. Didn't even cross my mind that it was anyone else. Dad had fallen on the way to or from the toilet in the night and hit the back of his head. It was bleeding a lot but he didn't seem concussed and they'd stopped the blood and given him that panacea for all that ails ya - a nice cup of tea.

Do I think that he deliberately hit his head in a suicide attempt? I don't know. Even the demented would surely be able to come up with a better suicide plan than bashing the back of your head off the toilet. But I suppose they don't know what he was doing when he fell. They only know what they've put together from what they found. Surely it's pretty tricky to hit the back of your head falling.

It's a bit of a coincidence though. Should I say something? How will I feel if he manages to kill himself. Or worse damage himself so that his life quality is even lower than it is at present. But if he really does want to stop the ebbing of his life, should I prevent him. He really did seem to be telling me not to stop him the other day.

I told Sean parts of the conversation I'd pieced together with Dad. I didn't ask what he thought I should do and I didn't tell him how upset I'd been or how troubled I was/am about what to do. I know what he'll say, I'm saying the same things to myself. And he wasn't feeling well and needed his sleep, and I reckoned if I started talking I might get upset and it'd turn into a big long chat that would not be good for helping him feel better. And he's such a good man - Sean - that I don't want to let him see the darker bits of me. He fell in love with the me that's the best of me, I hate disappointing him, letting him down. I try so hard to be the me that he loves all the time, but I know I'm not. I'm not the upright, honourable, compassionate, decent person he loves, not all the time. Sometimes I mean spirited, small and ugly and I don't want him to see that.

I'll see Dad this afternoon and find out how he is. It surely is impossible to hit the back of your own head deliberately off the toilet or the floor - at least without a Norman Wisdom (or these days Lee Evans) acrobatic skill. Even in his salad days Dad wasn't the most agile of men, so it's doubtful he's suddenly developed a talent for tumbling.