31st October 2007 - Halloween 3

The third Halloween party we've been to at the home. Someone must have been 'lost' during the day because the 'Private Ambulance' visited and all the residents were coralled in the dayroom while they disposed of the body. Very appropriate I suppose. I had a look round the room to see if I could spot who was missing but I couldn't. I thought it might be Lily but then I saw her dancing with her zimmer. I was relieved it wasn't Lily, she's a hoot. I looked for the people I hoped it might be, hoped not to see their relative sitting round the walls beside their uncommunicating twisted shell, but they were all there. Susie, James, Paul, Robby, Becky's son - the relatives I always see.

The staff have made an effort - they always do for these events - Christmas, St Andrews day, Valentine's day and the like. They come in on days off, they decorate the place, they smile and laugh and joke and create an atmosphere of surreal festivity. Some bring in their children, their siblings or parents to join in the party.

I made an effort too, dressed up and dressed Ellie up. Almost scared the bejezus out of Dad but there you go - it is Halloween after all. I really tried to enjoy it, to laugh along and make out it was a fun party. I tried to ignore the drool, the real life skeletal forms sat beside the full size cardboard one with the "This is what you look like after 6 months in here" postit stuck on it's arse and flashed conspiratorially to some residents relatives. And it wasn't as appalling as the previous two - I wonder if I'm getting better or worse. Am I becoming more or less human, humane?