30th August 2007 - Diditdiditdiditdidit

I went in on my own today. Ellie was at nursery, which was just as well as Mary latched on to me as soon as I go in. She kept repeating "Diditdiditdiditdidit", constantly, while hanging on my arm and grinning at me. She stroked my hair, like a pony's mane, "Diditdiditdidit". She appeared to be looking for some response to this and I couldn't give one other than to smile, say hello and ask how she was. She tired of me and let me go with a final "diditdiditdidit it's lovely".

In the dayroom Lily was doddering round the room trying to find cups to wash up - obviously she wouldn't be allowed to but she seemed to think this was her job. She was hampered in this by her need for a zimmer. She'd forget to use the zimmer and toddle off, find a cup, then realise she didn't have the zimmer so put the cup down again, go back for the zimmer and return for the cup only to realise she'd not be able to carry it and use the zimmer.

Tommy was screaming and screaming, cursing incomprehensibly and convulsing as he screamed. No-one was even flinching. All the other residents were in their own worlds were the outside sounds, smells and noises hardly ever seemed to permeate.


Dad let out a deep sigh. "That's a big sigh Dad" I commented redundantly, pointlessly. "Aye, I only wish I could do a bigger one" he said. He was, again, aware enough to want to die.

In the background I heard Lily let out s scream at Rab "Hey, whit you doing ya bugger? How come yer haudin' her hand? Ye never haud mine?" Fiona - one of the carers - shouts over with a laugh "That's his wife Lily, that's why he holds her haun". Another scream from Lily "Yer marrit ye sly bugger! Well, ye can keep away fae me - I'm no that kind of girl - and if I see you up the dancin' ye can keep away or I'll tell ma pals, and then I'll tell ma Da. Leadin' me oan like tha' - I'm no a wee daft lassie even though you might think it!"

I really want to take Dad out some time soon. With a chair or whatever. Get him to see some scenery, the sea, some something. Maybe this week. Fuck knows how long it is since he's been out of those walls for any length of time. Had fresh air. Seen some birds, felt some rain, felt the breeze. It's coming into autumn. A nice autumn day, lots of sunshine and red orangy colours. I think he'd like that. I hope he'd like that. I'll try for this week, but that's unlikely, next week is more likely. Maybe that's what I should do - give myself a weekly task of making a difference to his quality of life. I'm sure that would help me, if I really felt that I was making a positive impact on how he felt, on how he's living in these last months, or years, or maybe even decades. I really do want him to be untroubled - I think happy is too much to ask for - but I don't want him to worry, to feel sad, to feel lonely.