17th August 2007 - Patricia's gone

Alan's been coming in every day for 15 years. Spent every afternoon there, came in at 3 for tea and biscuits and left at 8 in the evening. His whole life is gone now she has. Susie told me Patricia was gone and then Alan's history. She was wondering what he'd do with his life now. I was thinking "15 years, 15 fucking years. Please don't let Dad hang on for 15 years". Am I thinking that because I don't want to keep coming in for 15 years, do I want him dead so I'm released from my self-imposed obligation to visit him everyday? Or do I really have compassion for his situation.

I think I made the right noises. I hope so. Surely Susie must be looking at Donald and wondering if this is her life for the next decade and longer?

She talked to me without even looking at Dad or trying to hide what she was saying. She woudln't have done that a few months back. I looked at his face as she went away. He didn't take in what she said. He won't have known who we were talking about anyway.

Not a good day. Poor Alan. I hope he finds something to live for. He's done his time.