6th October 2008 - Vigil start

He's 'Nil by Mouth' now. his swallowing reflex has left him. His time is numbered in days now, not weeks. My sister is coming to stay for the vigil. It must be so difficult for her. She has to leave her son in London with his nanny, leaving him with the knowledge that she'll be back when his Puppup is dead.

I'm glad she's coming though. The longer I stay in his room with him on my own, the more I doubt the decisions I've been making - even with the support of the doctor and my siblings. I know the 'Do Not Ressuciate' decision is right. I know the decision not to tube feed is best. But when I sit with him on my own, I start to talk to him, talk and remember, and sometimes look forward, and then I begin to doubt. It's tiredness too. When you are so tired and so sad, you're mind wanders from your known loadstone, your known right.